A dating guide for the discerning mobile platform: how to attract and keep your dream developer.

Why, hello there! I couldn't help but notice you smiling at me across the room. Oh, you're a mobile platform?

How interesting.

Me? Why yes, it just so happens that I am a developer. How'd you know? Oh, my sexy three keyboard cats howling at the moon t-shirt gave me away, eh?

So, you wanna know how to seduce me into your mobile boudoir so I can give you lots and lots of beautiful apps? (Man, you don't waste time do you? That's OK, I like a mobile platform that isn't afraid to take the lead.)

I know you're really excited about smartphones. I mean, who isn't? And apps? Oh, yes! Apps really turn you on, don't they? Those delicious little bundles of pure profit. I can see that you're getting hot under the collar just thinking about how much you can make from them. You know, like how That Other Plaform does today. Oh, I shouldn't mention her? OK, I'll try not to. No, no, I don't think your UI looks fat in that.

OK, so lets cut to the chase. I'm going to be blunt with you. I'm somewhat in demand and I don't just develop for any platform that calls. And you know I'm a professional, right? I mean, I don't do this for free. Goodness knows Mr. A. Dobe tried for years to hypnotize me with his magic Flash Lite thingy but I kept telling him: "Dobe, you ain't getting my apps for free... monetize me, sweetheart". But did he listen? Nuh-huh!

So, if you don't have some way of paying me, you know, like That Other Platform does, we can stop talking right now. Oh, you do... ok, then... you got my attention.

Now, if you want to keep my attention, here are some ground rules:

First of all, Don't Make Me Think!

Yep, just like Steve Krug, I don't like to use my gray matter more than I absolutely have to. You see, it's not that I'm lazy, it's just that there are so many other fish in the sea. If you want me to evaluate you as a suitable mate, you can't afford to play hard to get.

So give me everything I need to start developing on your platform in one neat package that Just Works. Put it all in one DMG, baby, and make it just one click away. One click to download, one click to install, and by the third click you got me up and running! Zero to "Hello, world!" in under 60 seconds or I'm out the door, evaluating your sexy neighbor next door.

What? You've got a few extra pounds and don't think you'll fit into a DMG? That's OK, baby. I don't mind a little meat on my IDE. I understand there's more to you than the size of your SDK. You got baggage, I can deal with that. But how about squeezing all that into a virtual machine for me so I don't have to worry about any of it?

See, I was talking to Sam the other week and I told him just that – not sure if he heard me, though. Sam? Yeah, Sam Sung, you know him? He wanted to get in my pants big time but I just don't think it's going to work out. [Oh man, now I feel dirty!] See I'm a Mac guy and Sam told me I needed a PC to rock his boat. And he's visual in the studio sense, if you know what I mean. "So wait a minute, Sam," I said, "let me get this straight..."

"So you want me to install Windows, then Visual Studio, then your SDK, then a gazillion updates for Windows and Visual Studio before I can even say 'Hello, world?' I don't think this is going to work out."

"Oh, don't worry", he said, all smiles under his $300 suit, "in a year you won't need any of that. I'm going under the knife big time. Yeah, baby, can you say 'proprietary C++ framework'. Uh, huh, that's right sweet cheeks."

"Don't call me sweet cheeks," I found myself yelling as my hand closed round my pepper spray...

Hmm? What? Oh, no, no, you're nothing like Sam. Where were we again?

Oh yes, so what I'm trying to say is, this is no time to be playing hard to get. Don't make me fiddle with your fiddly bits; configure your own dependencies so I can get right down to the fun stuff.

What else? Well, don't pull a Sung on me. Let me use the tools and technologies I already know instead of forcing me to learn a whole new set. Give me some open web technologies to play with and I might just stay the night. Heck, give me some Java-style robot love and I might still be game. But whatever you do, don't force your homegrown bloated framework down my throat. [Eww, ewww, eeeewww!] You're not that Other Company, after all. You have no clue how to pull it off gracefully. [Ba-da-bing-ba-da-boom!]

But you know what? At the end of the day, all I really want is to be treated with a little bit of respect. I only put up with the abuse that That Other Company dishes out because of her supermodel looks and her promises of riches. You've got a lot to prove. Don't pull the same crap she pulls on me. Make my life easier. Be more open. Don't chain me to your whims. And I may even end up liking you better.

Just maybe.